When Words Mean More Than They Say: What Listening Really Requires

Years ago, someone handed me a mortar and pestle with a simple "Here — it's for you."

My immediate response was "What's it for?" — meaning, of course, "Why are you giving me this?" But the person took me literally, launching into an explanation of grinding spices and making pastes. They assumed I didn't know what the object was rather than understanding I was curious about their motivation for giving it to me.

Here I was, someone who bakes and cooks regularly, listening to a detailed explanation of what a mortar and pestle does. If this person had paused for even a moment to consider context — who I am, what they know about me — they would have realized I wasn't asking for a tutorial on kitchen tools.

This small moment has stayed with me because it illustrates something that happens constantly: we think we're listening, but we're often just responding to surface words rather than underlying meaning. We hear what someone says, but we miss what they're actually trying to communicate.

We live in a world that rewards quick responses, and this tendency creates a peculiar kind of disconnection. Someone asks "What's it for?" and we immediately assume they need basic information rather than deeper understanding. Someone expresses frustration with a situation, and instead of recognizing they might need to be heard first, we jump straight to solutions. Someone mentions they're tired, and rather than hearing the layers underneath — overwhelm, loneliness, or simply a need for acknowledgment — we offer suggestions about sleep hygiene.

But it goes even deeper than responding to literal words. We also respond based on our assumptions about who someone is — their labels, their history, the story we've constructed about them rather than who they are in this present moment. When we encounter someone we've categorized as "one of those people" — whether liberal, conservative, young, old, experienced, naive — we stop listening for what they're actually saying and respond to our preconceptions instead.

A colleague mentions feeling stressed about a deadline, and we assume they need time management strategies rather than recognition of their workload. A friend talks about relationship challenges, and we offer advice based on what we think relationships should look like (or worse, what we think their relationship should look like). A family member expresses different political views, and we assume we know their complete worldview based on one comment.

This is compounded dramatically when we're talking with strangers, especially online. In my recent post The Stories We Tell About Each Other, I explored how someone determined from a single comment about gun violence that I was not only of a particular party affiliation but also "lacking spiritual practice" and responsible for society's moral decay. He couldn't have been further from the truth, but he didn't need to know the truth — he had my complete story figured out from one response that didn't match his expectations.

Each time, we miss the opportunity to really understand what's happening for another person in favor of responding to our interpretation of their words — or our assumptions about who they are.

Learning to Listen Deeper

True listening is harder than we often acknowledge. It's not just a casual activity but requires genuine attention, thought, and the ability to hear beyond words to meaning. There's a reason we were created with two ears and one mouth — yet somehow we often get that ratio backwards in our conversations.

As a coach, this skill became fundamental to my work — learning to listen not just to what people say, but to how they say it, their tone of voice, their pauses, what they don't say. Early in my coaching practice, I discovered that working with people over the phone actually sharpened this ability. Without facial expressions to rely on, I had to develop other ways of "knowing" — tuning into the energy behind words, the emotion in someone's voice, the significance of what remained unspoken.

True listening means pausing long enough to consider: What might this person actually be trying to communicate? What do I know about them that could inform my understanding? What assumptions am I making that might be getting in the way?

When someone asks "What's it for?" in the context of receiving a gift, they could be asking about intention — or maybe they genuinely need to know how to use it. When someone mentions being tired, they might be asking for understanding, or they might actually want practical suggestions. When someone shares excitement, they might want celebration, or they might be seeking advice about potential challenges.

True listening isn't just about "shutting up" but about truly being engaged, leaning in with the intention to learn and understand. It requires us to set aside our impulse to demonstrate knowledge or solve problems and instead create space for actual understanding to develop. "Tell me more about that" becomes more valuable than immediately offering our perspective. "What's that like for you?" or "What do you need from me?" opens more doors than assuming we know what their experience is.

Creating Real Connection

The best conversations happen when there's real space to share thoughts beyond throwaway answers. "How are you?" followed by "I'm fine" offers very little connection. But "I'm feeling a little anxious today..." said because someone trusts that we will truly listen, invites a much deeper conversation where genuine understanding can emerge.

When we listen for meaning rather than just monitoring for familiar words, something shifts in our relationships. People sense when they're truly being heard, not just processed. They become more willing to share authentically because they experience being understood rather than categorized or fixed.

When we stop rushing to demonstrate our knowledge or solve other people's situations, we discover how much we don't know about the inner lives of those around us. We encounter the richness that exists in every human being when we create space for it to emerge.

True listening requires genuine attention, thought, and the ability to hear beyond words to meaning.

The world needs more of this — spaces where people can be complex, where questions are invitations to understanding rather than triggers for prepared responses, where we trust the process of genuine discovery over the efficiency of quick assumptions. Soundbite conversations and throwaway responses don't offer anything meaningful to anyone.

The next time someone asks you "What's it for?" — whether literally or figuratively — consider pausing long enough to understand, or at least try to understand, what they're really asking. The next time someone shares something with you, notice whether you're hearing their words or just waiting for your turn to demonstrate what you know about them or their situation.

These small shifts in how we listen can transform our connections with others. They invite us into the kind of conversations that leave both people feeling seen, understood, and more fully known. In a world that often rewards speed over understanding, choosing to really listen becomes a radical act of care — both for others and for the relationships that sustain us all.

What would change in your relationships if you listened for meaning

rather than monitoring for familiar words?

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If you're longing for a space to be truly seen and heard, I'd love to connect with you.

Sometimes we all need someone who will listen deeply to what we're really trying to say. Feel free to reach out to set up time together.