The Power of Why: Finding Your True Motivation in the Questions You Ask
- Michelle Porter
- Apr 5
- 8 min read
When a client first sat across from me, her goals seemed straightforward: lose 10-20 pounds, work fewer hours, and have more fun with her husband. If we had approached these at face value, our sessions might have resulted in a standard nutritional plan, time management strategies, and perhaps a list of date night ideas. But rather than being so formulaic, we took a different path.
Through a series of deeper conversations, where we gradually peeled back the layers of these desires, something remarkable emerged. What she was truly seeking wasn't about weight, time, or activities at all. What she needed most was to "fall back in love with herself." This revelation changed everything. As she reconnected with her inherent value and began nurturing her authentic self, those other goals naturally began to fall into place – not as separate checkbox items, but as natural expressions of this renewed self-connection.
This experience highlights something I've observed repeatedly in my work: our stated desires often mask deeper yearnings that, once recognized, create more sustainable and meaningful paths forward.
The Question We're Told Not to Ask
Early in my graduate studies, our professors issued a curious directive: never ask clients "why." We were warned that "why" questions provoked defensiveness, closing people down rather than opening them up. The implication was clear – "why" was too confrontational, too likely to make people feel they needed to justify themselves.
For years, this advice shaped my approach, but something about it always felt too simplistic. While poorly timed or accusatory "whys" can indeed trigger defensiveness ("Why would you do that?"), I've found that thoughtful "why" questions, asked with genuine curiosity and at the right moment, can be transformative. They can invite deeper reflection, helping people connect with the values and needs driving their choices.
The difference lies not in avoiding "why" altogether, but in how and when we ask it, and what intention sits behind the question. When approached as an invitation to explore rather than an expectation to defend, "why" becomes one of our most powerful tools for uncovering authentic motivation.
The Surface and the Depths
Like the layers of Earth's crust covering its molten core, our stated reasons for wanting something often differ from our deeper motivations. The surface reasons – losing weight, getting a promotion, starting a new hobby – are easier to articulate and often align with social expectations. They're the goals we feel comfortable sharing with others.
But beneath these surface desires lie more fundamental needs and values that truly drive us. My client's wish to lose weight wasn't ultimately about fitting into a certain size; it was about reclaiming a sense of care for herself that had gotten lost amid other responsibilities. Her desire to work less wasn't just about free time; it was about honoring parts of her identity beyond her professional role.
This distinction between surface motivations and deeper drivers explains why so many well-intentioned efforts at change falter. When we pursue goals disconnected from our true values and needs, we're essentially trying to grow plants without nurturing their roots. The effort feels forced rather than natural, requiring constant willpower rather than flowing from an authentic sense of purpose.
Digging Deeper: The "7 Whys" Technique
One powerful approach for uncovering these deeper motivations is known as the "7 Whys" technique. Originally developed in manufacturing contexts to identify root causes of problems, this method has found meaningful application in personal growth work. The concept is beautifully simple: when examining a goal or challenge, ask "why" repeatedly (though not always literally using that word), with each answer becoming the focus of the next question.
Here's how it might work with a common goal:
"I want to exercise more regularly."
Why is that important to you?
"Because I want to feel healthier."
Why does feeling healthier matter?
"Because when I feel healthy, I have more energy."
Why is having more energy significant?
"Because with more energy, I can be more present with my family."
Why is being more present with your family important?
"Because I value those relationships above all else, and I feel I'm missing precious time with them."
Why does that concern you right now?
"Because I've recently realized how quickly my children are growing up, and I don't want to look back with regret."
And why would that potential regret be particularly painful?
"Because deep down, I believe that showing up fully for the people I love is the most meaningful thing I can do with my life."
Through this progression, what began as a straightforward fitness goal reveals itself as being rooted in deeply held values about presence, family connection, and living a life aligned with personal meaning. This understanding transforms the nature of the goal itself. Exercise is no longer just about physical health; it becomes one pathway toward living more fully according to core values.
With this deeper awareness, the approach to change naturally shifts. Rather than forcing an exercise routine that feels like one more obligation, the person might look for ways to be active that actually create more family connection – perhaps family bike rides or coaching a child's sports team. The resistance diminishes because the action now aligns with the true motivation rather than competing with it.
Understanding Resistance: The Shadow Side of Why
Just as the "7 Whys" can illuminate our deeper motivations for change, this technique can also help us understand our resistance to it. This is where some of the most valuable insights often emerge, yet it's the territory many of us are reluctant to explore.
Resistance to change isn't simply laziness or lack of discipline, as we're often taught to believe. Rather, it frequently contains wisdom and protective elements – parts of ourselves working to meet important needs that might be threatened by the proposed change.
Consider someone who repeatedly puts off making career changes despite feeling stuck:
"I keep procrastinating on updating my resume."
Why is that happening?
"I never seem to find the time."
Why is it difficult to make time for this?
"I guess I don't look forward to doing it."
Why might that task feel unappealing?
"It makes me a bit anxious to think about putting myself out there."
Why does that create anxiety?
"I'm worried about making a change and finding I'm not any happier."Why would that possibility be concerning?"
Because I've made career changes before that didn't work out well."Why does that past experience influence you now?
"Deep down, I'm afraid of making another mistake and confirming that the problem isn't my job but me."
This exploration reveals that what appeared as simple procrastination actually contains important protective elements – a fear of repeating painful experiences and confronting difficult questions about personal fulfillment. The resistance isn't an obstacle to overcome through sheer willpower; it's valuable information about unaddressed concerns that need compassionate attention.
When we understand resistance this way, we can work with it rather than against it. Perhaps this person needs to address the lingering impact of past disappointments before making another change. Or maybe they need a smaller exploratory step rather than a complete career overhaul. By honoring the protective purpose of their resistance, they can find a path forward that feels safe enough to navigate.
Finding Your Vibrant Middle: Balancing Aspirations and Protection
The most powerful insights often emerge when we hold both our aspirational "whys" and our protective "whys" in awareness simultaneously. This balanced understanding helps us find what I often call our "Vibrant Middle" – approaches to growth and change that honor both our desire to evolve and our need for security and authenticity.
Nature demonstrates this balance beautifully. A tree grows upward toward the light while simultaneously extending its roots deeper for stability. It responds to environmental challenges not by forcing growth against its nature, but by adapting in ways that preserve its essence while evolving its form. This is the wisdom we can apply to our own growth when we understand our complete motivational landscape.
Here's a simple framework for putting this understanding into practice:
Explore both sides: Take time to uncover both your aspirational motivations for change and the protective motivations behind your resistance. Approach both with equal curiosity and respect.
Find the shared values: Look for common ground between your desire for change and your resistance to it. Often, both are attempting to honor values important to you, just in different ways.
Design the middle path: Create approaches that address the concerns behind your resistance while moving toward your deeper aspirations. The most sustainable paths forward honor both.
Start with small steps: Begin with changes that feel manageable to the protective parts of yourself while still aligned with your deeper "why."
Reassess regularly: As you move forward, continue checking in with both your aspirational and protective motivations, adjusting your approach as new insights emerge.
For my client who wanted to fall back in love with herself, this balanced approach was key. Rather than pushing herself to dramatic lifestyle changes, she began with small moments of self-acknowledgment and gradually expanded to more significant choices that honored her authentic needs. Her protective motivations weren't obstacles but valuable guardrails, helping her make sustainable changes that felt genuine rather than forced.
Putting Why to Work: Practical Applications
The power of understanding your deeper "whys" extends beyond individual goals to many aspects of life:
In relationships: When conflicts arise, exploring the deeper "whys" behind each person's position often reveals shared values hiding beneath surface disagreements. A couple arguing about spending habits might discover they both deeply value security – just with different understandings of what creates it.
In work decisions: Career choices aligned with your deeper "whys" typically bring more satisfaction than those based solely on external metrics like salary or status. Understanding what truly motivates you can help you design a path that energizes rather than depletes you.
In community engagement: Connecting your volunteer work or civic involvement to your deeper values creates more sustainable commitment than acting from obligation alone. When you understand why a cause matters to you personally, your contribution becomes an expression of your authentic self.
In health changes: Wellness practices aligned with your deeper motivations are more likely to stick than those adopted because you "should." Whether it's movement, nutrition, or rest, approaches that honor your why become natural expressions of self-care rather than grudging obligations.
In each of these contexts, taking time to explore both the aspirational and protective aspects of your motivation creates pathways forward that feel more aligned with your authentic nature.
The Courage to Ask Why
Perhaps the most powerful aspect of the "why" exploration is how it invites us to move beyond the stories we tell ourselves and others about what we want and why we want it. It calls for a willingness to sit with uncertainty as deeper truths emerge, sometimes surprising or challenging us.
This process requires courage – the courage to look honestly at our motivations, the courage to acknowledge protective fears, and the courage to align our actions with our authentic values even when they differ from external expectations.
But when we engage in this exploration with curiosity rather than judgment, something remarkable happens. The path forward often becomes clearer, not because we've forced clarity through analysis, but because we've created space for our deeper wisdom to emerge. Solutions that once seemed elusive appear more naturally, and changes that seemed difficult feel more aligned with who we truly are.
Like my client who discovered her deeper yearning to fall back in love with herself, you may find that understanding your true "whys" doesn't necessarily simplify your journey, but it makes the path unmistakably yours – authentic, meaningful, and aligned with your inherent nature.
Exploring Your Deeper Why: The Power of Coaching
If you're curious about exploring your own deeper motivations but find it challenging to navigate alone, coaching can provide valuable support. The process of uncovering your true "whys" often benefits from a compassionate guide who can help you see patterns and connections you might miss on your own.
In my coaching practice, I've witnessed how powerful this exploration can be when clients feel truly heard and safely challenged to look beyond their initial goals. Together, we can uncover the authentic motivations that will create sustainable change aligned with your inherent nature.
If you're interested in exploring how coaching might support your journey, I invite you to schedule a complimentary discovery call to learn more about working together.
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